Four Lessons From Mom
Happy Mother's Day 💕
Happy Mother’s Day to my Mom, who is currently recovering from a minor surgery that she absolutely crushed. I hope she’s reading on the beach or binging whatever is new on Netflix right now (I literally cannot keep up with her legendary TV consumption). And happy Mother’s Day to your mom, too, wherever she may be.
My Mom has been my rock for as long as I can remember. She is the person I confide in for school, girls, vacations, shows and movies and books, college applications, job searches, my writing—all of it. Her arms are the ones that held me as a baby and the ones that held me when I cried like a baby before my college graduation.
So today, I want to shower her with praise by sharing her wisdom. Here are four big lessons my Mom has taught over the years.1 I hope they teach you something, too.
1. How to read the news.
Everyone gets their news in different ways. Social media, push notifications, podcasts, broadcast, newsletters, etc. The opportunities to learn what happened today are endless and fragmented. We no longer live in a world where everyone turns on Walter Kronkite every night and gets the same news, reported without bias, from which to develop well-informed opinions.
Even if you don’t think you “read the news,” you do. Just passively. Anyone who consumes media is consuming news: you are learning about the world through a specific lens because everyone who feeds you information has their own worldview. It doesn’t matter how explicitly “political” or “journalistic” it is. So the onus falls on you to step back and think about what you are paying attention to and why. If you aren’t, someone else is.
Why am I seeing this? Why did this story get told? Who benefits from this story? Who is threatened by it? Is there an alternative perspective to what I’m reading and, if so, is it important to seek out? Understanding the mechanics of media is a way to understand power.
Fortunately, I have a Mom who is not only smart as hell, but is a badass bitch who has spent her entire life working in PR, tech, business, or politics. So this sensitivity was instilled in me at an early age. It is no wonder Jon Stewart was my first hero: his whole shtick was satirizing the media for their undeclared biases. And yet, he himself has his own worldview, which my Mom and I have both enjoyed seeing more of in his golden years.
2. Don’t be a Baby Back Bitch ™️.
This might be Mom’s favorite. Over the years, it has become a common refrain in the Hicks household. And for good reason.
There is a whole lot of Baby Back Bitches out there. People who were raised soft, are naive to the world, refuse to grow up, or just love to whine. Get over it. Life’s too short to spend all this time wondering why more stuff didn’t break your way or why you have to do a hard thing when you’re in a bad mood. Just do it. Maybe it sucks or maybe it isn’t fair. But maybe you’ll look back one day and realize it wasn’t all that bad, either. And you’ll have your Mom there to remind you that you were being a total Baby Back Bitch when you were going through it. Don’t make her do that. She’s tired enough already.
Most people aren’t fundamentally Baby Back Bitches. Everyone has their moments, which is the point: we all go through it from time to time. The world, sadly, does not revolve around us. Life must go on. So if you can help it, don’t make your problem another person’s problem without due cause.
My Mom loves to tell the story of when she was pregnant with me, freaking out, and called her Mom completely hysterical. And Grandma’s advice was quite simple: there have been women plopping out babies in forests and hills and rice paddies for thousands of years. You’ll be fine. (The rice paddies was quite specific and hilarious—I don’t know if that makes it politically incorrect but it was said a long time ago and if you come for my Grandma I’ll kill you.) Point is: sometimes you just gotta stop bitchin’ and start doin’.
3. Understand your mind-gut connection.
Yes, pooping. Kinda. That’s part of it.
There is an increasing amount of evidence that a lot of our digestive system is regulated by mental health and vice versa. That’s especially fascinating given how much we talk about the mental health crisis, yet we don’t talk about any type of gut crisis when IBS affects 25 to 45 million people in the U.S. It can look like anything from stress-induced constipation to a bad night’s sleep from a bad night’s dinner. Our brain and bowels are mystically intertwined, so unraveling that connection can reveal a lot about ourselves that we might otherwise attribute to the wrong thing.
To be clear, this does not mean shaming unhealthy food. It means being intentional with what you eat and how your entire body—not just your gut—affects your spirit. If you’re hungover, eat McDonald’s: it’s greasy and it grounds you. If you wanna stay for one more drink because you’re having a good time: buddy, you deserve it. And if you want to reward yourself at 3pm on a Thursday, fuck it: have a Coke and perk up. The weekend will come faster. Just be aware of what you are consuming and why.
This intentionality changed the way I approach so many things. First and foremost, it has instilled in me the unbelievable effect that exercise has on my soul. Just a little sweat will always make a bad day better (and usually makes me crave healthier food anyway). Meanwhile, meal prepping has become more than just a Sunday ritual. It’s a way to set myself up for success throughout the week, which makes me less stressed and (when I cook right) keeps me from shitting my pants at work.
4. Control what you can control.
This is my favorite Mom lesson by far. In a way, it is the amalgamation of all the others.
The world is a big place. We are small. Therefore, there is only so much we can exert our own will over, regardless of how strong that will is. Friends can be shitty sometimes; partners come and go; bosses will boss you. We can’t lose sleep over the choices made by others.
Nor can we lose sleep over decisions we made at certain points in our life based on the information we had and the feelings we felt. No one is the same person they were when they were younger. Without time travel, we can’t go back and tell that person what to do. Forgive them and move on.
Fundamentally, this means recognizing and making peace with our limitations. You will not be able to solve every problem, know every variable, or be on your A-game all the time. That is ok. In fact, it is what makes us richer and more interesting humans. It can also lead us places we didn’t expect to go and teach us things about ourselves we never would have known. One must submit themselves to this fucked up, incomprehensibly large and chaotic universe if we ever want to get anything out of it. No one gets out of this world alive, anyway.
Most importantly, the opposite is true: what can you control? What steps can you take, no matter how small, to improve your situation or move towards your goals? How can you become the badass that you are? Is the thing stopping you from getting what you want in this moment real? Is this really the end of the world, or do you just need to go on a run and clear your head?
Stop and take a breath. Sometimes we need to accept what’s beyond our control, and other times we actually have a lot more agency than we think. Knowing the difference can make or break you. Just don’t be a Baby Back Bitch about it.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. Thank you. I love you. <3
Don’t worry, Dad. You’ll get one on Father’s Day.
@shicks007 is my goat
Hi Ollie, I’ve known your Mom since she was born… and your grandmother, Susan, since we were both in our 20s. You’re an excellent writer and do know your mom well. Sending love on Mother’s Day to you, her and your family!